While the building was shaking as Britney and Steve Tyler warmed up for our troops overseas in the rain at the Pepsi Vanilla National Mall, hordes of overweight Americans emerged from L'Enfant Plaza, helicopters and tanks gathered and I contemplated how to get home, things have been crazy at the Conde Nast building, coverage courtesy of gawker. This is great stuff...
Conde Nast Rumors
Either rumor or fact has gotten ugly, or at least, unfortunately not at all funny. Multiple reports from the Conde Nast building at 4 Times Square indicate that the "suspicious animal part" under investigation is in fact human. Worse, more than one person has reported it to be an umbilical cord. Eesh. We'll turn this one over to NY1 now.
On the other hand, some say: "I don't know where you got your information about the incident at CondeNast today but it is 99% fabricated [...] The item has not yet been identified [...] It also has not been determined if the item was left as a joke." Wait. Employees of Conde Nast fabricate things? Whoa. You're bumming my whole headtrip.
4 Times Square Nightmare Update!
Word has it that the Conde Nast Building nightmare first reported here -- in which every floor is reputed to be filled with bloody masses of animal or possibly even human parts -- is still ongoing. The scene is said to be reminiscent of The Poseidon Adventure, but with Lucky editor Alexandra Golonkin instead of Shelly Winters. Or perhaps The Towering Inferno, but with Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter playing the role of O.J. Simpson. The elevators are like those creepy blood-filled elevators in The Shining, we hear! A fresh report from the nightmarish horror show: "Ran into a cop on the elevator at 4 Time Sq. The place is crawling (with cops). The cop said she wasn't sure what the "animal parts" were. She didn't get to see it. Too many other cops. And people with walkie talkies. No sighting of Anna Wintour--coincidence?" We hardly think so.
Nightmare at 4 Times Square!
Preliminary reports from the scene of our hot breaking story, the Conde Nast animal parts in the janitorial area scandal, are horrifying beyond belief! One on-scene reporter took time from the riotous cafeteria hair-pulling contest to report that the "receptionist says it appears that it was a human birth."
More hardened souls are downplaying the extent to which MASSIVE AMOUNTS of ANIMAL or HUMAN PARTS are spread throughout the Conde Nast building: "Dears, Relax. No worries, it was just one of my own stray hairs which ran amok from the constraints of the gratis Paul Mitchell stiffening product we've all been enjoying. Sorry, it WILL NOT happen again. (Either that or it's a chicken bone c/o Popeye's takeout from casual Friday prior. Thanks Popeye's!)"
Parts is Parts
PETA should either be alerted or blamed. This email just went out office-wide at the magazine publisher Conde Nast:
"This morning an object that might possibly be an animal part was found in the 18th Floor janitorial area of the freight corridor.
At this time our security personnel is cooperating with an investigation that involves representatives from both the EMS and the NYPD.
As part of their routine investigation, it may be necessary to inspect other janitorial areas and/or employee bathrooms within 4 Times Square.
We appreciate your cooperation."
Send any and all relevant info -- including what animal parts Vogue editor Anna Wintour is wearing, dead or alive -- to us at [email protected].
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