The Skunkeye Consumer Guide

Orange Alert

While the building was shaking as Britney and Steve Tyler warmed up for our troops overseas in the rain at the Pepsi Vanilla National Mall, hordes of overweight Americans emerged from L'Enfant Plaza, helicopters and tanks gathered and I contemplated how to get home, things have been crazy at the Conde Nast building, coverage courtesy of gawker. This is great stuff...

Conde Nast Rumors
Either rumor or fact has gotten ugly, or at least, unfortunately not at all funny. Multiple reports from the Conde Nast building at 4 Times Square indicate that the "suspicious animal part" under investigation is in fact human. Worse, more than one person has reported it to be an umbilical cord. Eesh. We'll turn this one over to NY1 now.

On the other hand, some say: "I don't know where you got your information about the incident at CondeNast today but it is 99% fabricated [...] The item has not yet been identified [...] It also has not been determined if the item was left as a joke." Wait. Employees of Conde Nast fabricate things? Whoa. You're bumming my whole headtrip.

4 Times Square Nightmare Update!
Word has it that the Conde Nast Building nightmare first reported here -- in which every floor is reputed to be filled with bloody masses of animal or possibly even human parts -- is still ongoing. The scene is said to be reminiscent of The Poseidon Adventure, but with Lucky editor Alexandra Golonkin instead of Shelly Winters. Or perhaps The Towering Inferno, but with Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter playing the role of O.J. Simpson. The elevators are like those creepy blood-filled elevators in The Shining, we hear! A fresh report from the nightmarish horror show: "Ran into a cop on the elevator at 4 Time Sq. The place is crawling (with cops). The cop said she wasn't sure what the "animal parts" were. She didn't get to see it. Too many other cops. And people with walkie talkies. No sighting of Anna Wintour--coincidence?" We hardly think so.

Nightmare at 4 Times Square!
Preliminary reports from the scene of our hot breaking story, the Conde Nast animal parts in the janitorial area scandal, are horrifying beyond belief! One on-scene reporter took time from the riotous cafeteria hair-pulling contest to report that the "receptionist says it appears that it was a human birth."

More hardened souls are downplaying the extent to which MASSIVE AMOUNTS of ANIMAL or HUMAN PARTS are spread throughout the Conde Nast building: "Dears, Relax. No worries, it was just one of my own stray hairs which ran amok from the constraints of the gratis Paul Mitchell stiffening product we've all been enjoying. Sorry, it WILL NOT happen again. (Either that or it's a chicken bone c/o Popeye's takeout from casual Friday prior. Thanks Popeye's!)"

Parts is Parts
PETA should either be alerted or blamed. This email just went out office-wide at the magazine publisher Conde Nast:

"This morning an object that might possibly be an animal part was found in the 18th Floor janitorial area of the freight corridor.

At this time our security personnel is cooperating with an investigation that involves representatives from both the EMS and the NYPD.

As part of their routine investigation, it may be necessary to inspect other janitorial areas and/or employee bathrooms within 4 Times Square.

We appreciate your cooperation."

Send any and all relevant info -- including what animal parts Vogue editor Anna Wintour is wearing, dead or alive -- to us at [email protected].

Sacred Smoke

We think we heard Aretha warming up.... anyways it sounded like the National Anthem. The crowds are starting to come... I went out to smoke one of the Sacred Marlboro Reds that Reasey offered to his ancestors at a shrine and surveyed the exit scenario.

Moon Cake

Aerosmith was just rehearsing. They sounded pretty good. It stopped raining. The Chinese Branch had a party and I ate moon cakes. Aretha Franklin has become obscenely fat and judging from the photo in Express, Take it For a Read, wicked cameltoe.

Mud Wrestling

Well I tried to work on renovating the look of my blog this morning... I'm a luddite when it comes to HTML so right now it looks really dorky. As I type Britney is rehearsing in the mud and rain. Today is going to be a real mess thanks to Pepsi Vanilla and the NFL.

Good Charlotte. Oh, punk rock...

I'm so cranky, thank god I'm going on vacation for a week.

Kitty has another sharp article in the Inquirer.

Remember Dirt?

Remember the incarnation of Details (Stephen Saban years) when Details was Sassy for Eurofags?

From Gawker today: "Remember genius Sassy magazine, Jane Pratt's first venture? It was the ultimate magazine for girly teens, tweens, and hair-tossing young ladies going off to Vassar. Now Jane (the woman) of course has Jane (the magazine). But between the two magazines, things got a little rough, and much of that had to do with the launch of Dirt, the men's version of Sassy. It bit the dirt. Flash forward a decade. Now Lucky, the very successful women's shopping magazine, is spawning a men's version, Cargo. What's different? Well, this decade there's a men's market for shopping and hair care products. Simon Dumenco -- recent author of New York Magazine article The Buysexual Agenda -- concludes that thanks to the evil metrosexual agenda, men are now as ill with advanced soul-necrotizing consumerism as women have been for years. Huh. I suppose we should prepare for an epidemic of straight teen male bulimics? Oh, Lucky Man [Folio]"

a bit agitated today

Im a bit agitated today a long holiday weekend in DC is not a holiday for me. Actually wished that I had work yesterday. Very dull weekend.

My conscience is hurting today because, after a series of psychotic phone calls from an Indian stalker/friend (were talking every thirty seconds last night) that she refused to take and the every present dirty frying pan and spatula on the stove, I slipped Indonesian a note under her door. I was really pissed off (was trying to cook a nice meal) and should have cooled down. Oh well

Also, the departing room mate showed up out of the blue on Sunday wanting to move stuff out. She was lucky I was there since she has apparently lost the key. She disturbed a rare Netflix moment (Day for Night) and was really disorganized. She was pulling that charm thing which is not working on me any more and I finally got frustrated and told her I had to leave and she should go find her key. She still has stuff there. Also the toilet exploded and leaked.

Also my mobile hasn't had service for the past two days -something wrong either with the phone or the SIM card (I hope it is the latter). I have to bring it in to T-Mobile.

Due to a mail screw-up, I didn't know I had a wedding to go to on Saturday, September 13. I was really honored to have been invited (I had just assumed it would be a small family affair) and am delighted that they took up my suggestion for venue. Also, I really enjoy weddings and would really like to go. However, I was supposed to be at the beach house with my family through Sunday and I'm not giving that up especially since I have not been out of town since the end of March and really need some time away. Im trying to co-ordinate with my family to re-shuffle.

Work is obviously really dull and slow today and Essie is out.

Saw Thirteen on Saturday really gritty stuff- should find a large audience. Evan Rachel Wood is really one to watch. Like a junior miss version of the post-Tom Nicole. There was a fat old man reeking of alcohol sitting near me and I swear he was getting off on the film so I had to move to the other side of the theater.

Finally saw some QESD in the afternnon when it started to rain. There's a an obscene amount of product placement going on. I was a bit threatened by their constant use of West Elm since when I first discovered it two years ago it was my little secret. Now it will be everywhere. Ive seen Thom Filicias design work often in magazines and feel he is the only real "expert" on the show except for maybe the grooming guy (always work the product in from the back of the head) but that's pretty common. I mean there are a lot interior designers on TV right now with all those Trading Spaces type shows but how legit are they certainly not "thousands of plastic flowers glued to bathroom walls" Hildi Santo Tomas? And I don't know where they found that Carson Kressley creature (apparently he spent many years at Polo Ralph Lauren - hard to imagine his flaming pleather pants and over-the-top affectedness in that culture but what do I know) but he is here to stay like Melissa Rivers and Blackwell's list. The victims seem to sincerely appreciate their transformations and at least the Fab Five respect their protegee's sensibilities and needs. Jai is supposed to provide "culture" whatever that means but don't try his tip about opening CD plastic wrap by swiping it against the side of a table top. It gouges the wood and doesn't even work! Maybe he used a glass table top. I hate those. The sharp corners can poke out toddlers or dogs eyes. Also you fall on them when you are drunk and really get hurt. Hate em.

Here is Skunkeye's tip: To remove a new CD from the plastic wrap, buy one of those $1 openers at the check-out counter at your local record store. They really work and will make you look cool, like a real connoisseur, when you have guests coming over for martinis.

Speaking of product placement also saw the MTV VMAs, or at least the pre-show and Madonna's performance. Pretty desperate stuff that kiss although I must say that "Hollywood" song has been in my head ever since falling asleep in the Gap. On a serious note, I think if had to chose between Christina and Britney I'd have to go with Xtina. There's a dark current going on with Dirty girl like she actually has some depth to her - and she has better voice but she needs to stop channeling Cher.

Don't see The Other Side of the Bed. It is a light-hearted romantic farce from Spain about two beautiful couples who cheat on each other in a Three's Company kind of scenario. The actors are eye candy, especially Paz Vega (Sex & Lucia), and they break out into lip synched song a la Eight Women (without the camp context) but it is all very flimsy stuff.

I didn't purchase anything this weekend. Oh wait, I did buy a belt, mod girl face T-shirt, and black zippered cardigan at H & M, but that was for under $30 and I don't know where I even put them in my room. Downtown H & M is clearly going after the "urban" market. Also bought Client - like H & M, disposable, not memorable, with a slight trashy aftertaste you want to get rid of